Incarceration Chronicles Part Two: 21 February 1994 continued (My First Week at Lorain Correctional Institution)
[This comes straight from the journal I kept in prison. To see the previous installment (and get a bit of context) please visit my blog Incarceration Chronicles, 17-21 February 1994 (first days in prison). I posted that one in May, intending to get back to it soon. Better late than never, eh?...
The unabridged installment I offer today (I'm resisting a temptation to smooth out the rough edges) picks up where the last one left off in the middle of 21 February 2004 at Lorain Correctional Institution in Grafton, Ohio. These are journal pages 313 through 317 - written in pencil on a gray legal pad. I never intended for anyone else to read these words. I thought my mom might - since I mailed my journals to her for storage. But she never did. When I was reunited with them over ten years later, the envelopes containing my journals were still sealed.]
Mon. 21 Feb. 1994
evening [continued]
I hope I go to my permanent institution soon. I am anxious to return to my college studies. I hope, hope, hope that I won't be prevented from getting financial aid due to my student loan default. If I have to, I'll beg them. Will it do me any good? It can't hurt to try.
Dad says he thought they'd send me too Chillicothe, but it isn't on the list of institutions they have posted on the bulletin board. There are only two on it that I would really hate going to - Mansfield and Orient. Of the other twelve L.C.I. transfers to, I've heard only good things or nothing [from the other inmates] . From everything I've been told, the three I'd most prefer to be sent to are Lima, Allen and Ross. But who knows? I haven't been classed yet.
* * *
Here are three quotes from my reading of the past few days that I wanted to remember.
"The Supreme Personality of Godhead said: Fearlessness, purification of one's existence, cultivation of spiritual knowledge, charity, sense control, performance of sacrifice, study of the Vedas, austerity, simplicity, nonviolence, truthfulness, freedom from anger, renunciation, peacefulness, aversion to faultfinding, compassion toward every living entity, freedom from greed, gentleness, shyness, determination, vigor, forgiveness, fortitude, cleanliness, and freedom from both envy and the passion for honor — these are the transcendental qualities...."
[Bhagavad-gita As It Is (16:1-3), attributed to Sri Krishna, translated by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabupada]
"There are three gates leading down to hell — lust anger and greed. Every sane man should give these up, for they lead to the degradation of the soul."
[Bhagavad-gita As It Is (16:21), attributed to Sri Krishna, translated by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabupada]
"As a boat on the water is swept away by a strong wind, even so one of the senses in which the mind becomes fixed can carry away a man's intelligence."
[Bhagavad-gita As It Is (2:67), attributed to Sri Krishna, translated by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabupada]
* * *
Here is a preliminary list of what I need to remember at commissary:
deodorant, soap, stamped envelopes, writing utencils, legal pad, nail clippers, lock, cough drops.
I can wait for everything else, if need be. But if I can afford it, I also want to get:
baby powder, coffee, Tang, Rolaids, dental floss, salt, pepper, ketchup
At the dining hall there are no condiments, such as salt, pepper, ketchup, et cetera. If one wants them, he must purchase them at commissary and bring them with him to meals.
* * *
Mom said that poor Pam sat all evening on Thursday awaiting my call. When Mike was here, they let him use the telephone on the first day. I miss her. I wish I could hear her voice. Maybe I'll get a letter from her soon, now that she knows my number.
And [my alleged victim] was told I wouldn't go to prison.... They'll do anything to keep her from feeling guilty for what she's done.
My cellie got five to twenty-five years for rape. There were ten counts against him, but they reduced it to one as part of the plea bargain. He was accused of masturbating his thirteen and nineteen year old nephews and having them masturbate him. At first, I believed him when he said he was innocent. Now I don't know. But is that rape? They should have convicted him of corruption of a minor or gross sexual imposition, I think. Then again, maybe it was considered rape because the one was only thirteen. Anyway, if he is innocent, he should have gone to trial.
Who is my cellie? Gary [last name expurgated] is about thirty-seven years old. He has been married for seventeen years and has two children. He just found out that his wife lost their house, which he had to refinance to pay his attorney. He usually lives in Kentucky. The nephews were on his wife's side of the family. Needless to say, since she stands by her man, the only family she has left is his. He is a devout Baptist and sang in a gospel group. He was so scared of jail that he had them put him in protective isolation for the four days he was at the county jail.
I must write a letter of thanks to Mrs. Springfield [one of my attorneys]. I appreciate her efforts immensely.
Back to Gary.... He's overweight, soft-spoken and has a strong southern accent. His wife's name is Pam, too.
In the bunch that came from L.C.C.F. [the county jail: Lorain County Correctional Facility] with me Thursday were three people I know. Eito Moon was one of my poker pals. Tiko Harris, who was on our side but was moved to the felony side a month or so ago, was in the joint with Mike over a year ago. And ______ Shannon was my happy-go-lucky cellie after rat-boy and before Jeff; they let him out on his midemeanor case about a week before his sentencing on the felony rap.
One more thing that is better here than at the county jail is that we are allowed to have a whole toothbrush.
I can't wait until I get to my parent institution. I have to look at the good side and not dwell on the bad. I'll get all my necessary dental work done free. I'll get plenty of reading and writing done. And best of all — I'll get to finish my college education [or so I thought]. I should try to get my transcript from LCCC [Lorain County Community College] sent here, so I'll have it when I need it.
* * *
post 10:15 p.m.
I wish I could have books from home. If I could have ten, I would pick these from my collection:
- Tolstoy's Anna Karenina
- my one volume of Prabhupada's Srimad Bhagavatam commentary
- Sartre's Being and Nothingness
- Whitman's Leaves of Grass
- I-don't-remember-who's A History of the Jews [the author is Paul Johnson]
- Hitler's Mein Kampf (just to finish it)
- Quale's Eastern Civilizations
- Dickens' David Copperfield
- Blake's Complete Poems
- Websters II dictionary.
* * *
Damn! I wish I had a Lotus Sutra. Buddhism is closer to Truth than Krishna Consciousness. Perhaps I can get one when I go to my permanent institution.
* * *
Damn! I wish this tickle in my throat would go away.
This is really interesting. I want to read more. Why did you feel buddhism is closer to truth?
Reply to this
Thanks, Lady! It's helpful to dig through all this while writing my book. It isn't always the best writing - because I was mainly just recording the little stuff I feared I'd forget - but I'm glad someone finds it interesting.
I was reading a lot about Vedic cosmology at the time. They believed things about the planets and universe that were obviously completely contrary to what we know through modern science and astronomy. Though I could find spiritual and metaphorical truth in all of it, I was turned off by Swami's insistence that I must accept all the cosmological suff as literal truth (kinda the equivalent of saying I must accept the Torah's suggestion that the earth is only about 6,000 years old as a literal, fallible truth - if you let me give it my own metaphorical spin, I can swallow it a bit easier). Buddhism never demanded that I reject science. Though it hadn't yet been published in 1994, I recall the Dalai Lama's words in The Universe in a Single Atom: "spirituality must be tempered by the insights and discoveries of science. If as spiritual practitioners we ignore the discoveries of science, our practice is also impoverished, as this mind-set can lead to fundamentalism."
Reply to this
All I can add to the comments above is that the first letter I got from John was when I was teaching in the prison he was in at the time of this blog. I have several blogs that include his letters from prison, the first letter he wrote to me on March 13, 1994 is included on my blog of May 2008.
Also I wrote a blog on the movie "Atonement". There are a lot of comments to this blog so I don't want to repeat any of this. But if anyone wants to know more about the reason John was arrested and incarcerated you might go to my previous blogs of April and May of this year. I'm afraid there is not much more anyone can do for him at this point in time so I won't rehash this here since there was a lot of input back in the spring on this matter.
Reply to this
Thanks, Elena! For those who don't know, here's a link to your MySpace page, where they can find your blog: http://www.myspace.com/haks113.
I'm grateful for your friendship.
Reply to this
Just thinking of what you replied to Jen. One of my friends is an author who was in Saigon in the intelligence during the Vietnam War. His experiences were incredibly interesting but he told me he couldn't write about it right after the war and it wasn't until 20 years later that he wrote his book where it is in a novel form and the main character is him but with a different name. When one has been in prison or a war sometimes it takes time and a certain distance and perspective to write something that would engage the reader. The same is true of Bruce, my friend who is the poet of the Vietnam War and has won many prizes. He wrote his Memoir about his life before, during and after the Vietnam War and when I asked him if everything he wrote in this amazing book was true and exact to detail he laughed and told me that if one sticks to just the facts of one's life it could be a bit dull. So of course sometimes a bit of imagination or stretching the truth goes better. I think stories from prison should be the same and not just a rehash of your journals. So think about this....
Reply to this
The book's definitely far more than just a rehash of my journals. Much more interesting, too.... But it will be all true. Plenty of crazy, wonderful, horrible interesting stuff happened during 11 years in prison (as well as before and after) - more than one can imagine. I'll save imagination and stretching the truth for my novels, plays, etc. - got plenty of those brewing under the radar also....
Reply to this
Your life and your memoirs are so very important since this kind of experience can change the way the "system" treats our prisoners. The justice system is so fucked up in this country that it just kills me how someone like you gets sucked up in the cracks of prosecutors, laws, judges and parole boards. Yes, you are right the truth is not fiction. It has to be told by someone who can write. It has to be said, written and published. All your professors know you are an exceptional writer and everyone on the internet who reads your blogs knows this since you glow with intensity in almost anything you write. But the problem is freedom and the depressed feelings that both you and I have when we realize the punishment you had to go through for a crime you did NOT commit. There were lawyers, judges, prosecutors a jury and all of them were totally screwed up in your case. No, you don't need to write fiction to make this an outstanding expose of what takes place behind bars and barricades, courtrooms and parole hearings. If you had money to pay a good lawyer you would never have had to spend the 11 years behind bars. You were given a court appointed lawyer for the trial and for the appeal. Do you remember that OJ Simpson had the millionaire lawyers in the "trial of the century" when you were in prison. I want you to tell about the lawyer appointed to your appeal and the judge your mother couldn't even get to answer her phone calls. I was involved writing you but couldn't do anything at all. I am still frustrated by this and even tried to contact the Innocence Project. Geez, what more can I do. They won't give you a job in spite of the fact that your education merits more than working in black mold or in a Buddhist store. Tonight I think of so many days, months, and now years I have cared about your case. The only thing I ask is that you continue to write, fight and be what you really are. And you are a wonderful human being who has been denied all your civil rights and the minimum justice for total bullshit on the part of the police, the court, the jury and the prosecutor who is still recovering from having his son "accidentally" shoot him. That is the only justice that this man deserves. He took money from a drug dealer and got him off. This whole country is suffering from that kind of greed and criminal money problems that at this point we all are having to pay for those who are 2% of the country and own more than 20% of the wealth. And this country is trillions of dollars in debt for this kind of hanky panky money grabbing. This is not a blog but if anyone votes for the Republicans I just hope they pay for their stupidity and suffer the poverty they deserve. So tonight I am again on my lectern telling everybody off since I have lived longer than most of you so I have a bit of life left to fight and will continue to express my disdain for all who are taking this country and people like John down.
Reply to this
Would like to see more of this, edited & corrected with your thoughts then mixed with your thoughts now. Does the first entry say what you were accused of? Guess I better go back to look ~ or I can wait for you to send me the link ~ I know you will.
Reply to this
I don't think I went into detail about the accusation in that first installment, since the folks who were reading my blog back in May when I posted were already well acquainted with the story. I sometimes forget that my newer friends haven't read the old blogs and have no way of knowing. I was accused of rape.
Reply to this
Here's a link to one of the many old blogs on the subject:
http://crisisblog.crisischronicles.com/2007/05/30/fuck-me--30-may-2007.aspx
Reply to this
Miserable Day
There were many bad days but there was one that stuck out in my mind and memory way too long to be ignored let's call it the mattress or a sword day. Upon arrival at the center eye was given a bed and allowed to proceed down the hall to the left. There was a room with a bed and a pillow no sheets or pillow cases please it reminded me way too much of a jail. The times of this place were not placed not in evidence. The temperature was no longer controlled it was as hot as a let me name no names or addresses or places it was the most miserable day ever. They told me eye was mental not coming down for food was there trays? Who says? No one told me that day to proceed to the place of the cafeteria trays where they finally let me go and eye left without eating at all for they wanted me to pay for a meal given to me for free the price was a dollar they seemed so very mean to me when they told me iff you want to eat in this place you WILL PAY. Eye went so hungry that day. The time was soon up and it's all filed away as the most miserable day yet in a lifetime of pain eye regret.
Reply to this
Wow... thanks for sharing this, Charles! Well expressed...
Reply to this
I agree... it would be interesting to mix your journal entries with your thoughts now. It's amazing that you did not give up on people in general. Others have gone through less and become total recluses. I happy to get to know you.
Reply to this
Thanks, Jen! That's kinda what I've been doing with the book I'm writing. It took me four years out of prison before I was able to understand a lot of this and put it into perspective. I was working on my book hot and heavy around the first of the year, but dredging up all the old stuff started getting me very depressed, and I stepped away from it for a while. Now I'm getting back to it - the hardest part now is finding time for reflection and writing.
I've had a tendency to be a recluse since coming home. It wasn't until 2007 that I started blogging in earnest, and it wasn't iuntil May of 2008 that I started getting involved in the live poetry scene. Still working on coming out of the literary closet, so to speak.... I'm happy to get to know you as well.
Reply to this
This is a great chronicles...
Reply to this
Thanks, Traci!
This is a bit less focused than the last installment because there were so many things I wanted to write about at the time and so little time to write about them. I also wrote lots of letters there. And to save time, I made carbon copies of ever letter I wrote. So if I wrote about something in a letter, I didn't write about it in the journal. Not enough time to write about everything twice.... That means there are a lot of interesting things missing from these journals. I need to dig out the letters, too, to fill in the blanks a bit.
Reply to this
Thank you so much for this glimpse into your diaries. It is a rare occasion when someone decides to share his most personal thoughts unedited. You seem to have been born with the transcendental qualities
Reply to this
I feel I might have been born with some of the "transcendental qualities." I've had to work at others.
Thanks for your kindness, Tara!
Reply to this
Was this written before you knew you would be in as long as you were or after? (I haven't gone back to the other blog to refresh my memory) I recall this being at like 4-5 months in... Because you sound very focused but calm about the move to the next facility. Trying to stay focused on can do options...
I'm glad your back to posting these as well. I know very little about a prison environment or what people go through being in one so appreciate you sharing your experiences. Even if they sometimes might not be pretty.., this one was interesting.
Reply to this
When I wrote this, I had no idea I would spend 11 years in prison. The judge suggested at sentencing that he wanted to give me less time. But the law did not allow such discretion. So he said he was giving me 7 to 25 years, the minimum the law would allow him to give me, and noted that this would make me eligible for parole on 4 and a half years. Then because of several mistakes made at trial, attorneys led me to believe there was a good chance I'd be free in 6 months on appeal. I was 4 months into that 6 when I wrote this entry.
Reply to this
I cannot wait to read your book! You are one of the most interesting and talented people I know!
Reply to this
Thank you, Susan!
Reply to this