Incarceration Chronicles, Part VII: 27-28 February 1994 (Days 11 and 12 at Lorain Correctional Institution)
Since I finally located the mini (5" x 8") legal pad containing pages 340 through 360 of the journal I kept while behind bars, I suppose it's time for another installment of my "Incarceration Chronicles" series. Bear in mind that though this was only my 11th day in the state prison, I'd actually been locked up for four months by this point, most of it at the county jail awaiting transfer to Lorain Correctional Institution. The county jail portion of my diary (handwritten pages 1 to 310) is not online - but will be eventually.
My diary, presented here without editing, was not originally intended for public consumption. But as I write my memoirs I find it useful to post the old pages here on my blog, as your comments and questions help to dust off my memory (where necessary) and catalyze my writing. Bear in mind that to save paper and time, I tended not to repeat in my diary things I had already written in letters (and I saved carbon copies of every letter I wrote). So a lot of things that aren't here will be in my book.
For your convenience and a bit more context, here are links to previous Incarceration Chronicles installments:
Part 1: 17-21 February 1994
Part 2: 21 February 1994 (continued)
Part 3: 22-23 February 1994
Part 4: 24 February 1994
Part 5: 25 February 1994
Part 6: 26 February 1994
Now let's resume where we left off:
Sun. 27 Feb. 1994
c. 12:30 p.m.
I spent the morning trying to sleep, then reading from Gita. I told Mom yesterday that I'd probably get to use the phone this evening. However, it seems the c.o. is changing the program and will have us call this afternoon. That means I will probably miss Pam again. Damn it! Oh well... I can do nothing but accept what ever comes.
* * *
post 3 p.m.
I am disappointed that I was unable to reach anybody by phone this afternoon. I wish the guards would have stuck with the schedule. But at least - I hope - I'll be able to see somebody this Wednesday.
* * *
4 p.m.
I just finished reading Bhagavad-gita again. I keep dwelling on my need to talk to Pam. This makes fifteen days since I've seen her. Wednesday will be the fourteenth day since our last phone conversation. It's the longest I've ever gone without talking to her. With this changed address, I haven't even gotten a letter from her (or anybody else). Man, I hope I get to commissary soon. I found and read an inmate manual today while waiting to use the phone. If I understand correctly, I am allowed to receive books and magazines by mail, if they come directly from a distributor or publisher. Now I return to the Our Daily Bread, lacking anything else to read.
* * *
6:30 p.m.
One more instance where the Bible seems to affirm the deity of Jesus is in the book of John (14:9). "He who has seen Me has seen the Father" (New King James Version). John seemed to be more confident of this than Matthew, Mark and Luke. Perhaps he was senile when he wrote his contribution to the "Word." I know he was pretty old.
* * *
8 p.m.
I just finished reading the March/April/May issue of Our Daily Bread. I need books! I need books! I'd rather have good books than good looks.
* * *
Mon. 28 Feb. 1994
7:40 a.m.
The other day, I gave that cigarette to some pathetic, friendless guy. Today, my generosity was returned eight-fold. While leaving chow, I passed Jerry Y[epko] coming in. When the guard wasn't looking, he tossed me a package with eight cigarettes in it. Now I'll certainly be able to get a book.
* * *
10:30 a.m.
I just added to Aunt Marlene's letter and was notified that I will be moved today. I know not where yet.
* * *
2 p.m.
Most of our group was sent to regular housing today. Six of us at the end of the list had to wait until another day, probably tomorrow. For now, I've been moved next door, to Unit 3B, #301, top bunk. The 300's are not in cells but on the floor. Fortunately, I was able to buy an almost-full mini (5" x 8") legal pad for two smokes before I moved. Still no luck in getting a book.
* * *
2:50 p.m.
Stay off of my sidewalk
Don't come to my door
I don't want your postcards
Don't call me no more
You broke my heart one time
Won't break it again
You once were my whole life
Let my new life begin.
* * *
3:05 p.m.
Sacrificial imbeciles
Fools on a limb
Birds without a place to fly
Prospects are grim
Watch the light of youthfulness
Fade in their eyes
As the smoke of sad regret
Darkens their skies
* * *
[Editorial note: I wrote everything above in tiny print on the back of a prison visiting schedule (and called it journal page 339).
Everything below (comprising pages 340-342) was written on the aforementioned mini legal pad.]
4 p.m.
I just wrote to S [Geri]. I hate being stuck out here all day long with no privacy.
* * *
4:55 p.m.
This pencil sharpener is murdering mine.
* * *
5:55 p.m.
Desperation move: I gave a guy three of the Buglar cigarettes for a piece of a KJV Bible. It goes from the beginning of Genesis to about chapter thirty-three of Job. Another guy had pity on me and let me use his complete NAB. The New American Bible is Catholic. I used to have one when I was in high school. I'm going to read the apocryphal books first. I have to return this one in the morning. Then I'll start the KJV; my cellie's using it now.
* * *
6:30 p.
A guy saw me with the Bible and struck up a conversation with my cellie and me. He had some interesting stories to tell about healers and whatever else. I dislike a lot about Christianity; but I'd much rather talk to him than most of the people here. At least we can have a semi-intelligent conversation.
I was extremely glad to receive cards from Mom and Pam today.
* * *
6:45 p.m.
I just read a tract entitled "Transformed" by Paul J. Levin.
* * *
7:05 p.m.
I wish I could do something to take away Pam's (and Mom's) sadness.
I began reading Wisdom.
"Love justice, you who judge the earth...." - author of Wisdom 1:1 (c. 100 BC) in the Apocrypha
* * *
8:15 p.m.
"...he who despises wisdom and instruction is doomed. Vain is their hope, fruitless are their laborss, and worthless are their works." - Wisdom 3:11
* * *
9:05 p.m.
I'm finding it extremely difficult to write with all these people babbling.
* * *
9:50 p.m.
"...if riches be a desirable possession in life, what is more rich than Wisdom, who produces all things." - Wisdom 8:5
"...moderation and prudence, justice and fortitude, and nothing in life is more useful than these." - Wisdom 8:7
* * *
11:10 p.m.
"No man succeeds in fashioning a god like himself; being mortal, he makes a dead thing with his lawless hands. For he is better than the things he worships; he at least lives, but never they." - Wisdom 15:16-17
[Click here to read Incarceration Chronicles Part VIII, Day 13 at Lorain C.I., from 1 March 1994]
My diary, presented here without editing, was not originally intended for public consumption. But as I write my memoirs I find it useful to post the old pages here on my blog, as your comments and questions help to dust off my memory (where necessary) and catalyze my writing. Bear in mind that to save paper and time, I tended not to repeat in my diary things I had already written in letters (and I saved carbon copies of every letter I wrote). So a lot of things that aren't here will be in my book.
For your convenience and a bit more context, here are links to previous Incarceration Chronicles installments:
Part 1: 17-21 February 1994
Part 2: 21 February 1994 (continued)
Part 3: 22-23 February 1994
Part 4: 24 February 1994
Part 5: 25 February 1994
Part 6: 26 February 1994
Now let's resume where we left off:
Sun. 27 Feb. 1994
c. 12:30 p.m.
I spent the morning trying to sleep, then reading from Gita. I told Mom yesterday that I'd probably get to use the phone this evening. However, it seems the c.o. is changing the program and will have us call this afternoon. That means I will probably miss Pam again. Damn it! Oh well... I can do nothing but accept what ever comes.
* * *
post 3 p.m.
I am disappointed that I was unable to reach anybody by phone this afternoon. I wish the guards would have stuck with the schedule. But at least - I hope - I'll be able to see somebody this Wednesday.
* * *
4 p.m.
I just finished reading Bhagavad-gita again. I keep dwelling on my need to talk to Pam. This makes fifteen days since I've seen her. Wednesday will be the fourteenth day since our last phone conversation. It's the longest I've ever gone without talking to her. With this changed address, I haven't even gotten a letter from her (or anybody else). Man, I hope I get to commissary soon. I found and read an inmate manual today while waiting to use the phone. If I understand correctly, I am allowed to receive books and magazines by mail, if they come directly from a distributor or publisher. Now I return to the Our Daily Bread, lacking anything else to read.
* * *
6:30 p.m.
One more instance where the Bible seems to affirm the deity of Jesus is in the book of John (14:9). "He who has seen Me has seen the Father" (New King James Version). John seemed to be more confident of this than Matthew, Mark and Luke. Perhaps he was senile when he wrote his contribution to the "Word." I know he was pretty old.
* * *
8 p.m.
I just finished reading the March/April/May issue of Our Daily Bread. I need books! I need books! I'd rather have good books than good looks.
* * *
Mon. 28 Feb. 1994
7:40 a.m.
The other day, I gave that cigarette to some pathetic, friendless guy. Today, my generosity was returned eight-fold. While leaving chow, I passed Jerry Y[epko] coming in. When the guard wasn't looking, he tossed me a package with eight cigarettes in it. Now I'll certainly be able to get a book.
* * *
10:30 a.m.
I just added to Aunt Marlene's letter and was notified that I will be moved today. I know not where yet.
* * *
2 p.m.
Most of our group was sent to regular housing today. Six of us at the end of the list had to wait until another day, probably tomorrow. For now, I've been moved next door, to Unit 3B, #301, top bunk. The 300's are not in cells but on the floor. Fortunately, I was able to buy an almost-full mini (5" x 8") legal pad for two smokes before I moved. Still no luck in getting a book.
* * *
2:50 p.m.
Stay off of my sidewalk
Don't come to my door
I don't want your postcards
Don't call me no more
You broke my heart one time
Won't break it again
You once were my whole life
Let my new life begin.
* * *
3:05 p.m.
Sacrificial imbeciles
Fools on a limb
Birds without a place to fly
Prospects are grim
Watch the light of youthfulness
Fade in their eyes
As the smoke of sad regret
Darkens their skies
* * *
[Editorial note: I wrote everything above in tiny print on the back of a prison visiting schedule (and called it journal page 339).
Everything below (comprising pages 340-342) was written on the aforementioned mini legal pad.]
4 p.m.
I just wrote to S [Geri]. I hate being stuck out here all day long with no privacy.
* * *
4:55 p.m.
This pencil sharpener is murdering mine.
* * *
5:55 p.m.
Desperation move: I gave a guy three of the Buglar cigarettes for a piece of a KJV Bible. It goes from the beginning of Genesis to about chapter thirty-three of Job. Another guy had pity on me and let me use his complete NAB. The New American Bible is Catholic. I used to have one when I was in high school. I'm going to read the apocryphal books first. I have to return this one in the morning. Then I'll start the KJV; my cellie's using it now.
* * *
6:30 p.
A guy saw me with the Bible and struck up a conversation with my cellie and me. He had some interesting stories to tell about healers and whatever else. I dislike a lot about Christianity; but I'd much rather talk to him than most of the people here. At least we can have a semi-intelligent conversation.
I was extremely glad to receive cards from Mom and Pam today.
* * *
6:45 p.m.
I just read a tract entitled "Transformed" by Paul J. Levin.
* * *
7:05 p.m.
I wish I could do something to take away Pam's (and Mom's) sadness.
I began reading Wisdom.
"Love justice, you who judge the earth...." - author of Wisdom 1:1 (c. 100 BC) in the Apocrypha
* * *
8:15 p.m.
"...he who despises wisdom and instruction is doomed. Vain is their hope, fruitless are their laborss, and worthless are their works." - Wisdom 3:11
* * *
9:05 p.m.
I'm finding it extremely difficult to write with all these people babbling.
* * *
9:50 p.m.
"...if riches be a desirable possession in life, what is more rich than Wisdom, who produces all things." - Wisdom 8:5
"...moderation and prudence, justice and fortitude, and nothing in life is more useful than these." - Wisdom 8:7
* * *
11:10 p.m.
"No man succeeds in fashioning a god like himself; being mortal, he makes a dead thing with his lawless hands. For he is better than the things he worships; he at least lives, but never they." - Wisdom 15:16-17
[Click here to read Incarceration Chronicles Part VIII, Day 13 at Lorain C.I., from 1 March 1994]
What is the difference between the "floor" and a cell? I don't understand that...
Thanks for finding and posting more of these.. I think their interesting. I'm glad you picked up where you've left off.
These particular excerpts are a little boring this time .. but over all they're an interesting peek into your mindset and how your living.. So thanks..
I wasn't being critical.. just observing that sometimes a lot isn't going on. Of course that's not bad thing.
Reply to this
Being in a cell 23 hours a day with no books and only one piece of paper was tedious, even dreadful - and having to conserve words so I would have half a piece of paper to write on if something big happened didn't help. The prison was designed so that all the inmates would be housed in cells (two men per cell). But because of extreme overcrowding, they had to fill the common areas outside of the cells with bunk beds. So just as I got more paper and could write more, I was thrust out of my cell (a small cinderblock room with a big solid steel door, not the barred door you might imagine) and into the common (floor) area with lots of other guys. It was a welcome distraction to a degree, and an opportunity to network for reading material, but also had the potential to become more tedious than the relative solitude of a cell, where I could at least collect a thought. This was only a temporary situation, however. As you'll see in the next installment, in another day or so I would be moved out of the reception building's open area and into another cell (where I would stay for the next three months).
Reply to this
Thanks for sharing that.. I didn't mean to imply it wasn't bad.. by saying what I said. Because I just don't know. It's just hard to imagine what it's like. Your sharing what you just added helps a lot in painting a bigger picture.. so thanks.
I've never lived that way.. it's hard to relate to having to hoard space on a piece of paper because you might run out and not have any. I assume you hoarded pencils and pens the same way from things you've shared before.
Reply to this
Thank you for sharing all this. It's a brave things to do. I never thought mcu about what it would be like not ot have something to read or something to write with or on. It suppose it would also be true of something. some msuic to listen to. I lose patience listening to the roar of other people's noise.
I do have a question though. Did you smoke or just use cigarettes as currency?
Reply to this
Thanks, Pinky! It took a while for me to learn to endure (and largely ignore) the roar of other people's noise - was never totally able to do it....
I did not smoke. But they were valuable to have, particularly in the early going, when I was in reception housing with a bunch of guys who had not yet had the opportunity to go to the commissary and buy cigarettes.
Reply to this
Your journal may be boring in certain ways but it reminded me of teaching Spanish for the LCCC program in Grafton the same time you were in this place and I didn't know this until I got a letter from you in March. I posted your first letters to me on My Space and was really shocked that you had been convicted of something of which I was sure you were innocent. These entries from your jounal remind me of what I learned in Grafton Prison. I knew there was extreme overcrowding and there were too many men assigned to each guard. I remember that cigarettes were high priority since they were used to barter like money. The rules forbade me to give anyone a cigarette.
Can you imagine this? Also the usage of the phones made it hard to get in contact with your family. You had to call reversing the charges to the person on the other end of the line. Life was really so hard for you for so long I marvel at how you survived for 11 years and kept reading and studying and as you post more of your journal it shows what life behind bars is like. So I hope your readers can appreciate the person you are after having spent all those years knowing you were innocent with no evidence of DNA presented but just the testimony of that wretched girl who lied under oath. I really think you should make these details of prison life into a book and hope you eventually manage to write it. I still think the title should be Punishment without Crime since you love Dostoevsky. You wrote a lot of poetry and that makes it even more poignant. And by the way our new president is already talking about reforms of our justice system and hopefully cases like yours will alert the public of the total unfairness of those accused by false testimony and unreliable witnesses. No DNA, no rape, and that should be the evidence that is presented rather than a he said, she said trial where the 15 year old so called "victim" lied through her teeth.
Even she later regretted this but it was too late for her repentance. Sorry to bring this up again but the truth should be foremost in the minds of the jurors and judges in these cases and the prosecutors just want to win and put another notch on their belts.
Reply to this
When I get to the point in my journal where I discuss receiving letters and a birthday card (and money) from her, I may scan those items and post them online - but I'm still not certain that's the best way to go about it. Part of me just wants to let the past be the past and go on with my life. The other part wants to show the world my innocence. But it's not like anything I could do would give me back those eleven years. Strange to say, if I focus on the positive I can see that some good has come out of the whole ordeal. Being bitter and angry really achieves nothing and only ends up wasting more of my life and energy.
Reply to this
Interesting that you say, "it's not like anything could get ... back those eleven years." I kind of have the feeling that by telling this story you are not only trying to purge yourself of the past but you are using this as a tool to try and get back those eleven years. Not that you asked, but if at any point you feel like this project is robbing you of more time instead of helping you reclaim your life, I would advise you to let this project go. I tend to think that you have a story to tell. There is also a school of thought that says that those who have suffered a terrible trauma and/or a grave injustice;they can be one in the same; cannot abandon it until they have thoroughly vetted it. But, there comes a time when it is time to lay these pursuits down. I'm still in therapy thanks to the insurance bureaucracy and the medical bureaucracy, not because it continues to bring me comfort or peace. In fact it is quite the opposite at this point. But, I think there is something to be said for telling my story, my way, in my time. I'm not sure there is value in being bitter, but it took me a long time to claim my right to be angry and it was an emotion that I had to fully experience. It was part of my healing. I know that our situations are not the same, but I tend to look for commonality. We were both cheated out of time and what could have been. We are part of the masses who have had to start over when starting over seemed and sometimes still seems all but impossible. In that way, we are universal.
Reply to this
I think actually you've accomplished much more since you've stopped focusing on the past. Which seems to have stopped you dead in your tracks emotionally when you kept your focus there. It gives energy to a situation you have no power to change at present.
I think your energy has been much better spent doing what you are doing... pursuing your goals and dreams and moving forward...
Doing that over that last 6 months has done a lot.. look how much things have changes.. how much has happened.
You learned some valuable things in your time there about yourself, about literature.. people..etc... a whole host of things you have at your disposal other people do not have. It also has given you a drive to succeed.
There is always good and bad in every situation... you've chosen to take the good out of it and make something.. I honor that.. I really do.
Reply to this
Thank you, Chris.
Reply to this
I totally agree with Chris. But I also commend you for not having wasted the time you spent in prison. You probably read more books and learned more than if you were out and had a job that kept you going from 9 to 5. I remember it well. Every letter I got included what you were reading and now look where you are!! It was a self education made possible by your determination to learn and to read everything you could. Notice how you are more interested in books even from the outset than anything else. I believed in you as a student and I still do as a poet and musician. Kudos for being brave enough to show the world where you were and what you were learning.
Reply to this
john you amaze me. Staying so positive. Thanks for posting. Hugs Peace
Reply to this
Thanks, Anne!
Reply to this
I am sure you are seeking a way to find yourself by posting these journals. Since I have letters that tell me a lot more about what you were doing for the 11 years I still wonder about the trial, the trial transcript, the prosecutor, your lawyer, the failed appeal because the lawyer assigned to this never contacted you, the failed parole in 1998 because Megan's law was retroactive in your case. Should I post the letters I wrote in your behalf to the parole board? I told you at one time I could get the trial transcript since I know the Clerk of Courts. No answer was given me. This is the most
egregious miscarriage of justice since there was no evidence of DNA presented to the court. I would like to know what "that girl" testified. A lot of people think maybe you are really not innocent, possibly you did something that incriminated you. But I guess we'll just have to wait until you post your every day journals for 11 years. Does this help you or us to learn the TRUTH? I wrote to the Innocence Project concerning this but since they only deal with cases that have evidence of DNA that could exonerate those in prison, your case wasn't something they could deal with. There is no chance at this point in time for a re-trial. So all you can do now is register as a sex offender, and are prevented from having a good job in spite of your education. You say you have finished your B.A. from Ohio University. Is that true? I have tried to help but it seems that nothing at this point can pull this case together and prove your innocence I am writing this out of caring for you for so long and want to see justice done in your case.
Reply to this
I will get to all that in time... be patient.
We're still in 1994.
I know the truth and those who know me know the truth.
If there are any who doubt, it is because they don't know me.
My main purpose in sharing these is not to convince people - though I suspect (and hope?) the convincing will happen as a by-product.
You're bringing up things that happened in 1998 or 2004 or whenever. But I'm trying to share, digest, re-experience (to some degree) and work in my book(s) on March 1994. The rest will come in its time - and when it does, if you've followed along, you'll know exactly how I got there and you'll have fewer questions when we get there than you would if I skipped to 1998 or 2004 now. You're skipping around like this in Ulysses, too, instead of trusting that there is reason in its order. But doing that can make it more difficult to get through (and even make sense of) the story.
Reply to this
It is just that my memories jump around and make me impatient. The suspense of both reading Ulysses and your journal causes time lapses. Perhaps if you do publish your book someone will make a movie out of it like "Bloom", the movie made in Ireland. The producers didn't put in every little scene in Ulysses and it made sense in ways more than the book did. We live our lives on a time line, remember? But Zen Buddhism is circular and believes in reincarnation.
I hope you don't have to wait for that to prove your spirituality and talents for survival. It is like getting though the long winter knowing that spring will come but I'm getting impatient. Forgive me for that...
Reply to this
If they make a movie of my story, perhaps they could call it the Bloom, Plume, and Ka-boom of Jesus Crisis. Or not....
Reply to this
LOL
Reply to this
John I am impressed once again by your insight. It only took you for months to accept your situation, to "let go and let God, to accept the things you cannot change, to say it is what it is so to speak. Took me much longer to do that. In fact, I still struggle with that sometimes. I think they call this moving on, moving forward, making the best of it, so to speak. It's a rare and valuable gift and you should hold tightly to it if you are gifted to discover the ability to do it. It reminds me of my beef with the people who survived the "water landing" of the passenger airplaine in NY last month. Particularly the ones who are complaining that they can't resume their normal lives. At least they have lives to resume and they did not bear witness to horrific death. There should be great comfort in that, should there not? Just like Elena said, congrats for not "wasiting" the time you spent in prison. Kudos to you for making something of that time and especially for sharing what you experienced, suffered, did, learned, etc. I remember a favorite line from a Jesus movie where Jesus mother asks him something along the lines of "you were born to die?" and he responds, "No, I was born to prove God's love." I believe that every survivor of tragedies on grand and small scales prove God's love or at least that there is not much (I tend to believe nothing)that cannot be survived and overcome.
Reply to this
your complete inclusion of the entire prison journals leaves me on the fence - on one side i can see trying to describe how mundane daily prison life is, but on the other side i think only the delicious bits need be included. having been in jail (although years and years and years less than you), i probably react differently. if i included every word of my prison journal, folks would never finish.
Reply to this
In a way I agree with you Smith. If these posts continue at this rate it will take more than 11 years to post everything. But we are dealing with a compulsive perfectionist who doesn't do anything half way. LOL
Reply to this
I am thinking of the letters you wrote to me. I could post them one a month and it would tell your story as I know it faster but then you compulsively kept carbon copies of all the letters you wrote so this isn't necessary is it? I think your prison experience could be condensed into a 200 page book that would interest a publisher. I thought you were doing this but I guess you have been sidetracked by a lot of other endeavors and responsibilities.
Reply to this
In my humble opinion, he needs an editor. An editor would be able to help him decide what kind of book this is going to be. Factual, inspirational, comical, tragic, etc. There are just too many ways to go and he has to pick one. Oh my. Sorry, John. I'm talking about you like you're not here, but I think I directed this advice to you before, and you took it for what it's worth, which happens to be what you paid for it, nothin'. My Nana would say, "Who'se 'He,' the cat's father?"
Reply to this
I am my own worst editor!
I expect the book will be a delicious whole full of delicious bits. Nothing I've shared in this blog entry will make the cut, I assure you. But whereas I have certain aims regarding the book, I have quite different aims with the blogs, which I don't intend to sell. I'm typing all my handwritten words into my computer to refresh my memories and to have a backup in case, gawd forbid, my house would burn down or something and I'd lose them forever. A few folks have expressed interest in reading them - which rather surprises me, because (frankly) some of these entries bore me to tears, are poorly written, and even leave out the best stuff.
If I had reason to believe a cell-mate or officer might read my journal, I had to be careful what I said - lest I be labeled a snitch or get embroiled in some controversy - but reading these journals reminds me of those unwritten events - as I often left coded clues - or wrote the juciest bits in a letter instead, which I immediately sealed and mailed home so no one at the prison would stumble upon it. The best of those bits, which you're only getting a hint of here, will make it into my book. Maybe I'll post some of the letters online as well.
Bear in mind, too, that this week or so in February 1994 was probably the most boring and uneventful of my entire 11-year bit. And later, as I got my bearings, was a bit more comfortable, and had an unlimited amount of paper, my journal entries would often be quite a bit more tasty.
I'm still not certain how much of this I'm going to post online - it's been an experiment of sorts. But I appreciate your feedback, both positive and negative - it's all helpful. I'm finally fairly sure what I'm doing with the book. However, I'm still not quite sure what I'm doing with these sometimes far less interesting journals.
Reply to this
I don't think it's wise to think that you could completely edit yourself. Writing and editing, to an extent are two different things. For example, I thought that you had a brilliant insight about acceptance of your situation in this entry. It is also interesting that you came to this idea so early into this experience. I would be very interested to hear you explore if you went back and forth about this more or if you remained firm in this I conviction. It could be a major theme. I find all of the entries interesting, because I know nothing of State Prison so I am really getting the flavor of the experience. I'm thinking that this may be something that you want to capture for your book, although depending on the direction the book takes, it may not be necessary. Excellent point about refreshing your memories, and I love that you have left yourself clues as to things that you could not write down due to the constant scrutiny you found yourself experiencing. That is another facet of the lack lack of privacy had not really sunk in for me. I keep on coming up with more themes. Betrayal, of you and of the truth -another possible theme.
Reply to this
I know that the book will be excellent whatever you decide to include. It also bears mentioning that the final decsions as to content must be true to Your vision.
Reply to this
Somewhere in one of the writing workshops I heard that publishers like memoirs about life changing difficulties that the writer has overcome. Two of the best books I have here of this kind are by two of my closest friends, Bruce Weigl and Robert Taylor. Reading Tara's comments started me thinking about these books. Bruce wrote his memoirs about adopting a Vietnamese girl and all that led up to that including bits and pieces of his childhood, memories of the war when he was in the army in Vietnam and finally the difficulties he had getting back to Vietnam to adopt his daughter Hahn. I once asked Bruce if everything he wrote was exactly what happened to him and he laughed and said that sometimes for the interest of the reader you have to stretch the truth.
Robert Taylor was also in Vietnam and served as an officer in army intelligence in Saigon. He told me he couldn't write this until 20 years after he left Vietnam and he wrote his story as a novel. But it is really his story about gays in the military, a fact that his main character must keep hidden from his commanding officer and the U. S. Army. This was his first novel and subsequently he has won first prize for a recent novel from the publishers association.
The format of any book depends on the audience for whom it is written. Bruce is considered the poet of the Vietnam War and has won a prize of $150,000 for his work. I heard him read in Santa Fe in a large theater to a packed audience there. Robert Taylor has had many invitations from all over the country and packed our library twice when he did readings from his novels here in Oberlin.
Rather than recalling every detail of your incarceration you could tell about your background, fill in some little interesting details about your family and your interests. Like Bruce you could jump back and forth between the past and the present with little vignettes about life experiences. I believe your aim should be to present the difficulty of an innocent man who has been framed by circumstances and has overcome these by reading, writing and surviving to write this book. It has to be something that captures our imagination and shows not only life in prison but the spirit of survival that I know you to have developed there.
OK I have said enough for one comment. I hope you can write this and I believe you have so many of your on-line friends that would love to read it. I have kept all your letters and know you very well. You could write one chapter at a time put it away and then write another. It doesn't have to follow any strictly linear story. Remember Joyce who writes hundreds of pages in Ulysses that take place in only one day in the same place but with different characters in each chapter. That was his genius.
Reply to this
Well my own thoughts are... if posting things here and getting feedback helps jog your memory then its useful to post these here for a time no matter how boring you might think they are... it serves a purpose from what you've said.
It also helps you hone down the kinds of things that people are interested in knowing and hearing more about.. so is useful that way too. As far as writing your book at least.
I don't know that posting years and years of this stuff is useful..as a blog.. but if it helps prime the "literary pump" then it will have served a valuable purpose for you. If nothing else it keeps you actively working on the book and digging thru the material. I'm sure its easy to get distracted with lots of other things to do because your just so busy always.
Reply to this