Incarceration Chronicles VIII: (1 March 1994, Day 13 at Lorain Correctional)
Totally unvarnished - sometimes boring and sometimes far from it - this series comes straight from my prison diary - never really intended as a way of telling the whole story, which I always thought I'd tell long after my release (if I made it that far). My brother used to joke that I wrote down "every time [I] took a shit." That's not true - but reading these entries, you can see why he said it. For your convenience and a bit more context, here are links to previous Incarceration Chronicles installments:
Part 1: 17-21 February 1994
Part 2: 21 February 1994 (continued)
Part 3: 22-23 February 1994
Part 4: 24 February 1994
Part 5: 25 February 1994
Part 6: 26 February 1994
Part 7: 27-28 February 1994
Now let's resume where we left off:
Tues. 1 March 1994
6:20 a.m.
I just finished Wisdom and began Baruch. Then I began to read the introductions to many of the books in the NAB [New American Bible]. I've always found the authorship of the Bible books interesting.
* * *
7 a.m.
I just read Philemon. If nothing else comes up, I may just read the entire Bible again. It will be good to read it without the blinders I had in high school. In my first reading, I was blinded by my faith. Now I can read with cynical, critical and open eyes.
A bruise is still noticeable on my right arm from where my blood was drawn. The cough is still with me, but fading; fortunately, it didn't develop into anything worse.
* * *
7:15 a.m.
I just read the first and second epistles attributed to John.
* * *
7:30 a.m.
Tempest and turmoil
Planting their seed,
Making my blood boil,
Spawning my need;
Rage and rebuttal
Pressing the day,
Reaching the wretched,
Blackening gray.
* * *
8:35 a.m.
My cellie, Gary, is visiting with his family. Since they are from out-of-state, the Warden is allowing them to visit with him during the morning and afternoon sessions.
I hate being out here on the floor and having to share a toilet and sink with nineteen other guys. Last night, the guards kept awakening me with their walkie-talkies. I hope I get a cell when I'm moved.
* * *
8:50 a.m.
More ratings....
Bhagavad-gita attributed to Vyasadeva **** [out of five]
Bhagavad-gita As it Is by A.C.B.S. Prabhupada ***
Wisdom, author unknown ***1/2
I count the apocryphal books as separate books; the regular Protestant canonical books, I do not. I include the latter in either the New Testament or Old Testament. I felt it necessary to, at least partially, explain why I rated Wisdom, but not Habakkuk and the First Epistle of John.
I now begin to read Daniel (167-164 B.C., author unknown). It is one of my favorite books of the O.T. This will be the first time I've read chapters thirteen and fourteen. They are not included in the Protestant Bible because they are only found in the Greek Septuagint, not in the original Hebrew.
* * *
post 10:30 a.m.
I was just given a routine packet of information from the Office of the Ohio Public Defender. It says I have credit for 139 days in the county jail (which includes my short stay [before getting out on bond] in 1992). My first hearing date for the parole board is in August of 1998. I am not eligible for any shock or super-shock probation or shock parole. Five years incarcerated before I might get out! I must not despair. I had hoped I would only serve three-and-a-half or four. Sitting in the county jail for four months only put off my possibility for parole for four months. Four-and-a-half more years is a lifetime. If I begin my bachelor's program in the fall, I should be done by the Fall of 1996. Then what? I must be strong. But will Pam be able to handle it? I can't expect her to wait until late 1998. I was punished for standing up for my rights. If I would have pleaded to the lesser charge, I would have had to serve nowhere near so much time. But I would have lived in doubt; I would have always regretted that I didn't fight it. Now I have fought it... and lost. My only hope lies in the appeal. But I doubt justice will be served. Prejudices in such a case are too strong, I believe.
* * *
1:15 p.m.
Unfortunately, Dude asked for his Bible back before I finished reading Daniel.
Several fools were dicking off on the way back from lunch. The Deputy Warden witnessed their behavior and chewed the guard's and sergeant's asses. So we got ours chewed when we returned to the unit.
I am depressed. I'll wait to write more.
* * *
1:40 p.m.
I'm sending a kite to the public defender to get an appointment and see what information he can offer.
I also added to S's letter.
* * *
late afternoon
I can't see a clock from my cell.
I am now in unit 9A, cell 213, top bunk. I've a little Black cellie who so far is pretty quiet. He's in on a drug charge. We'll go to commissary [for the first time] on Thursday and be able to use the phone tonight. I am very lonely and sad. I hope I get a letter from Pam tonight. I doubt I will, however, since I just received one yesterday.
* * *
early evening
I can't believe how overcrowded it is here. Where in 3B there were twenty people on the floor, in 9A there are eighty. I was fortunate enough to get a cell. My old cellie, Gary, is going nuts on the floor. I don't know why we didn't go to the non-smoking pod with the other two guys. I'll send a kite to the Sgt. about it.
Before chow, I lost a game of casino to my cellie.
I keep reading Pam's letter and card from yesterday. It breaks my heart. It's hard for me to believe anyone is as unhappy as me; but I think she is.
* * *
I began writing a letter to Pam.
My cellie has a New Testament which is translated into simple English by Julian G. Anderson. At least it's something to read. However, I don't like it for the same reason I don't like Reader's Digest's condensed books. Instead of simplifying books, we ought to educate their potential readers.
* * *
I feel better after talking to S on the phone. First, I tried Mom's but got no answer. [In case you're wondering, S is Geri, my wife since 2005.]
* * *
Perhaps I judged this NT translation too harshly, due to my sour mood. But I still don't like condensed books by Reader's Digest.
This smoke is choking me. This cell is so close; and I haven't had to live with constant smoke for nearly five months.
I began reading Matthew.
* * *
I received my permanent ID badge today. It has a wretched picture of me, my right thumbprint and signature, and my date of birth and number.
-*-
Part 1: 17-21 February 1994
Part 2: 21 February 1994 (continued)
Part 3: 22-23 February 1994
Part 4: 24 February 1994
Part 5: 25 February 1994
Part 6: 26 February 1994
Part 7: 27-28 February 1994
Now let's resume where we left off:
Tues. 1 March 1994
6:20 a.m.
I just finished Wisdom and began Baruch. Then I began to read the introductions to many of the books in the NAB [New American Bible]. I've always found the authorship of the Bible books interesting.
* * *
7 a.m.
I just read Philemon. If nothing else comes up, I may just read the entire Bible again. It will be good to read it without the blinders I had in high school. In my first reading, I was blinded by my faith. Now I can read with cynical, critical and open eyes.
A bruise is still noticeable on my right arm from where my blood was drawn. The cough is still with me, but fading; fortunately, it didn't develop into anything worse.
* * *
7:15 a.m.
I just read the first and second epistles attributed to John.
* * *
7:30 a.m.
Tempest and turmoil
Planting their seed,
Making my blood boil,
Spawning my need;
Rage and rebuttal
Pressing the day,
Reaching the wretched,
Blackening gray.
* * *
8:35 a.m.
My cellie, Gary, is visiting with his family. Since they are from out-of-state, the Warden is allowing them to visit with him during the morning and afternoon sessions.
I hate being out here on the floor and having to share a toilet and sink with nineteen other guys. Last night, the guards kept awakening me with their walkie-talkies. I hope I get a cell when I'm moved.
* * *
8:50 a.m.
More ratings....
Bhagavad-gita attributed to Vyasadeva **** [out of five]
Bhagavad-gita As it Is by A.C.B.S. Prabhupada ***
Wisdom, author unknown ***1/2
I count the apocryphal books as separate books; the regular Protestant canonical books, I do not. I include the latter in either the New Testament or Old Testament. I felt it necessary to, at least partially, explain why I rated Wisdom, but not Habakkuk and the First Epistle of John.
I now begin to read Daniel (167-164 B.C., author unknown). It is one of my favorite books of the O.T. This will be the first time I've read chapters thirteen and fourteen. They are not included in the Protestant Bible because they are only found in the Greek Septuagint, not in the original Hebrew.
* * *
post 10:30 a.m.
I was just given a routine packet of information from the Office of the Ohio Public Defender. It says I have credit for 139 days in the county jail (which includes my short stay [before getting out on bond] in 1992). My first hearing date for the parole board is in August of 1998. I am not eligible for any shock or super-shock probation or shock parole. Five years incarcerated before I might get out! I must not despair. I had hoped I would only serve three-and-a-half or four. Sitting in the county jail for four months only put off my possibility for parole for four months. Four-and-a-half more years is a lifetime. If I begin my bachelor's program in the fall, I should be done by the Fall of 1996. Then what? I must be strong. But will Pam be able to handle it? I can't expect her to wait until late 1998. I was punished for standing up for my rights. If I would have pleaded to the lesser charge, I would have had to serve nowhere near so much time. But I would have lived in doubt; I would have always regretted that I didn't fight it. Now I have fought it... and lost. My only hope lies in the appeal. But I doubt justice will be served. Prejudices in such a case are too strong, I believe.
* * *
1:15 p.m.
Unfortunately, Dude asked for his Bible back before I finished reading Daniel.
Several fools were dicking off on the way back from lunch. The Deputy Warden witnessed their behavior and chewed the guard's and sergeant's asses. So we got ours chewed when we returned to the unit.
I am depressed. I'll wait to write more.
* * *
1:40 p.m.
I'm sending a kite to the public defender to get an appointment and see what information he can offer.
I also added to S's letter.
* * *
late afternoon
I can't see a clock from my cell.
I am now in unit 9A, cell 213, top bunk. I've a little Black cellie who so far is pretty quiet. He's in on a drug charge. We'll go to commissary [for the first time] on Thursday and be able to use the phone tonight. I am very lonely and sad. I hope I get a letter from Pam tonight. I doubt I will, however, since I just received one yesterday.
* * *
early evening
I can't believe how overcrowded it is here. Where in 3B there were twenty people on the floor, in 9A there are eighty. I was fortunate enough to get a cell. My old cellie, Gary, is going nuts on the floor. I don't know why we didn't go to the non-smoking pod with the other two guys. I'll send a kite to the Sgt. about it.
Before chow, I lost a game of casino to my cellie.
I keep reading Pam's letter and card from yesterday. It breaks my heart. It's hard for me to believe anyone is as unhappy as me; but I think she is.
* * *
I began writing a letter to Pam.
My cellie has a New Testament which is translated into simple English by Julian G. Anderson. At least it's something to read. However, I don't like it for the same reason I don't like Reader's Digest's condensed books. Instead of simplifying books, we ought to educate their potential readers.
* * *
I feel better after talking to S on the phone. First, I tried Mom's but got no answer. [In case you're wondering, S is Geri, my wife since 2005.]
* * *
Perhaps I judged this NT translation too harshly, due to my sour mood. But I still don't like condensed books by Reader's Digest.
This smoke is choking me. This cell is so close; and I haven't had to live with constant smoke for nearly five months.
I began reading Matthew.
* * *
I received my permanent ID badge today. It has a wretched picture of me, my right thumbprint and signature, and my date of birth and number.
I've read it and have several questions actually.. but will come back and post them in a bit so I don't ramble. Which I tend to do.
But one thing, I was confused as to whether you were in a cell or not.. or in the larger area. You seem to say both.. so I'm confused. I assume because of the visitors you were shunted out of your cell.
Also, (you may mention this later) why did you Identify Geri as as S instead of as G or just Geri? I assume for privacy issues because things were sent home that you wrote.
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At the start of this entry, Gary and I were not in a cell. We slept on one out of about ten sets of bunk beds that were were in the common area outside the cells, right by the corrections officers' desk. I still called him my cellie, however, because I'd grown accustomed to doing so during our first 11 or so days in the prison when we had been in a cell together. When I moved from 3B to 9A this day, I was back in a cell again, albeit with a different "mate."
I referred to Geri as S because that was her last initial at the time. At the time I didn't think it wise to let Pam know Geri and I were back in touch.
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Well.. I’m back with just a few other questions.
All your entries are all very short and terse. I assume it is for the same reason as you stated before in your last blog that it was to conserve on paper. Could you only have one notebook at a time here? Couldn’t you hoard a few in reserve in your locker? Or was there no room for that? Or not allowed?
The only reason I ask is because I’m trying to picture myself in similar circumstances (which is hard to do, that’s why I’m glad your sharing these) without having a lot of reading material or much to do and I know I would be tempted to want to write, write, write. I’d probably write a ream a day. Just for something to do.
But your entries, thus far, are almost zen like… Very abbreviated. Mine would be very profuse and emotional… Yours seem very controlled… only brief comments give any hint of lack of composure or worry. There is concern for how long you’ll be there… and how everyone maybe dealing with you in prison for that long. But over all you sound pretty under control. Did you actually feel that way or was there a lot hidden we don’t see?
Did you not write certain thing in your journal in case some of your cellmates saw them? And when you are going thru and reading them now… does it trigger strong recollections of how you felt at the time or just images? Or not much of anything?
When you look at these now, do you resonate at all with what you felt then or wrote or does it feel alien at this point? Because you were there a long time… but you’ve been out now for 4 yrs.…. So I was just wondering.
My comments here refer to more than just this blog posting but your other entries too.
Thanks....
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Later, I would have plenty of access to paper - I would be able to buy it at the commissary when I finally got to go (as long as I had money in my account) - but in this early going I had limited access. Things were very restricted those first couple of weeks - more than they had been in the county jail, and more than they would be at probably any other point during my eleven year incarceration.
I would have written a lot more if I'd had unlimited supplies of paper. I would have more paper soon enough - and the locker will be addressed in future installments. Sometimes the emotions I felt seemed too strong for words.
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Thanks..
I wonder about that...
It did feel like you were holding a lot back. but sometimes it's hard to tell when what you've written is already brief.
Do you feel those things when you go thru the diary entries now? If so this must be tough going thru them.
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That's why it's been four and a half years since I came home and I'm just now doing it. That's why it's taken over a year so far for me to write my book. I tried going through them when I first came home, and I just couldn't do it. Sometimes the letters are even worse.
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Your saying that makes me wonder whether it wouldn't be good to have someone there with you when you go through the letters and stuff. From your brief description here it sounds like there is a lot emotionally for you to digest.
To me it sound like doing it alone would be torturous. I assume you can only work on these in spells then have to set them aside for a while before you can go back at them again.
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Is the Gary you mention the same one that spent 25 years in prison before being paroled by the Innocence Project?
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No, you're thinking of Gary Reece, who I didn't meet until he was transferred to Marion around 2001.
This was Gary Meek, who's still in prison. Here's his current mug shot from the Department of Rehabilitation and Correction's web site:
He was clean shaven and looked quite a bit younger in 1994. I haven't been in touch with him in nearly 15 years.
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When you were in the Grafton prison and I was teaching there I got the first letter you wrote to me. I was told that I couldn't visit you there since I
I was teaching there. So I wondered where you were and looked for you every time I walked from the entrance to the classroom. But then you were transferred to Marion. So most of your prison experience was there. I think Marion is a much better prison in ways since they had the Horizon Program and other things for you, like a good library. I can't wait until you get there on these blogs.
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As a matter of fact I can't wait until you got out on parole. It was so long in coming and 1998 was the bad year when you learned that you were going to have to stay in prison six more years because Megan's Law had become retroactive. I really admire your ability to stay sane in those six more years and survive as well as you did thanks to the Horizon Program.
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I often sent my journals home with mom, since I didn't have room to store them - and in case she ever read them, I didn't want to make her worry about me (she worried enough as it was, without me adding to it).
Let's say my cellie or someone else did something against the rules. The officers could search and read our stuff at random. If I gave too many details, or said enough to make them aware that I knew something they'd like to know, I could have gotten put in the hole for investigation while they tried to get it out of me - or I could have gottensomeone in trouble and been beat up or killed for being a snitch. Such things I would write in a letter, then seal it up and mail it out immediately. Sealed and stamped letters could not be searched without higher permissions, because tampering with the US Mail is a federal offense. So the letters often have juicy stuff the journals lack.
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I find all your prison journals very interesting regardless of how mundane the entry. I could see recording every time you took a shit just for something to do.
I hope you don't mind questions. I saw Chris ask, so I thought I'd throw a few out too.
You mentioned that you kept carbon copies of all the letters you sent out. How did that work? Were you able to do it with the early letters you sent? Did your family keep the letters you sent to them?
Is "sending a kite" sending a letter? You will probably have to include a glossary of prison slang in your book.
It really is hard for those of us who have never been locked into a small cinderblock room to imagine what it's like, despite being your very creative and imaginative friends. (Or, if we can, we are all very nauseous with claustrophobia about now!)
So, it's all the more impressive that you've come through it all a very "together" and sane person. You rock, man!
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Thanks, Pinky!
Well, I didn't have access to carbon paper in the beginning. So I tried to write two copies of every letter - one to mail and one to keep. I didn't write nearly as many letters early on, however, as I did when in later months and years been I had both access to carbon paper and a larger number of correspondants. By the 2000s, I received more mail than any of the almost 2000 inmates at Marion Correctional Institution - according to the officers who inspected and sorted the mail. And I wrote about as much as I received.
A kite is an 8"x11" form issued by the prison system for communication between inmates and staff. It's blank on one side, and you fold it in such a way that it's a small rectangle, maybe 3x5, sealed like an envelope. When I come across one, I'll take a picture and post it so you can see. Sometimes when I ran out of paper I wrote song lyrics, poems, etc. on kites. But you could get in minor trouble for "destruction of state property" if you were caught using them for something other than their intended function.
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I have a lot of questions and comments. Too many, I'm sure. But I have been wondering, how much time per day do you spend transcribing these journals onto the computer? I agree that it is important to have more than one copy of course, having had a house burn down and having lost things such as the only copy of my parent's wedding photos.
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Thanks, Tara! I don't spend nearly as much time typing these into the computer as I should, probably. After I typed in this entry today I moved on to other tasks like housework and poetry videos (I'm still trying to finish up videos from August!). There never seem to be enough ours in the day to do all the things I want/need to do. But I feel good when I can make a bit of progress on several fronts at once.
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Not enough "ours" eh? Yes I feel the same way. a Freudian slip, lol. I wish more of the hours were ours.
Ever think if hiring a copy service? You wouldn't hand everything over at once, of course. I did this with my son's pics, of wish I foolishly misplaced the negatives. It worked out fine and I didn't lose anything. For the few dollars it cost me I gained so much time and peace of mind.
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Apparently I'm so pressed for time I've taken to leaving the h's off words like "hours."
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You have a charming way of writing, even when you're not trying
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I can feel the loneliness in each of your short entries.
I like reading everyone's questions and your answers too, because it brings your journal into focus, so to speak.
I can only imagine what emotions you would be almost drowning in at the time - in that setting and for so long! You would have to face and struggle with those emotions every day. That would be the hardest part for me. Emotions can overwhelm when they come through all at once. I'm sure there were so many emotions you couldn't even give them all names.
I'm glad you had books to give you a sort of escape from that oppressive reality. And every time I read these I wish so hard that you never had to experience any of it. *hugs*
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Thank you, Jen. I very much appreciate your comment.
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Perhaps if and when you ever finish the book it could be made into a movie. Ulysses is linear with the time taking place in one day. The movie "Bloom" was filmed in Ireland and doesn't involve trying to create every scene from the novel but does follow pretty much the dialogue in the book. A whole lot of Ulysses is the thoughts that go on madly in Leopold Bloom's mind. Pretty crazy stuff at times. However, while western minds have time lines, the past is to the left and the future to the right, Buddhists believe in reincarnation, or a circular rebirth in time and experiences. So I am wondering if one can make sense of anyone's story or life as one lives it in memory. Perhaps even the past is a circular and incomprehensible memory and I hope you don't have to wait to be reincarnated before life and spirituality as you live it now take root in a published work.
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I am reincarnating as we speak...
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I suppose it is reincarnation from your public Kay Shun of your poet trys.
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Can Brad Pitt star in the movie, Elena?
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What about Johnny Depp?
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While waiting for you to post another day in the journal of 1994, perhaps some of your readers would like to know more about the trial that put you in prison. There had to have been reasons in the trial transcript to justify your sentence. It is pretty painful for me to realize that the jury believed in the testimony of a lying young girl and that you were sentenced for a rape that you never committed. Furthermore you were assigned a lawyer for your appeal who never took the trouble to research
your case so it was denied due to the time limit. Then the parole board met and decided in 1998 that Megan's law was retroactive so you had to remain in prison for SIX MORE YEARS. When finally out on parole in 1994 you had to register as a sex offender with the sheriff's office and so today you have been turned down for good jobs because of background checks and are unemployed at present. I wrote to the Innocence Project concerning your case but they only deal with DNA evidence for those who are in prison. They have been able to exonerate many men but in your case there was no DNA nor any other evidence other than the testimony of 'THAT GIRL'
I see this as an egregious miscarriage of justice. I know you are trying to write a book. But your readers and I all hope for the best and wish that something could be done for you other than the futile attempts I have tried to make on your behalf. How do you expect to prove innocence when you were proven guilty before proving innocence?
The book should be called PUNISHMENT WITHOUT CRIME. At least someone has to prove this. Please excuse my writing all of this but since I have cared for you and tried to help you for all these years I would like to see some results take place. You say you have a B. A. from Ohio University but still cannot get a good job in spite of your education because of your sex offender background when they do checks. This offends me personally since I know you are innocent and want you to be able to prove this. Is this justice system needing renovation or what is wrong with it?
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Parole was granted in 2004. My error.
God only knows how much time as passed 1
1994 when you wrote in your journal in this blog. How many years have I known you and how many of them did you spend in prison. It is unreal...
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I will get to all that in time... be patient.
We're still in 1994.
I know the truth and those who know me know the truth.
If there are any who doubt, it is because they don't know me.
My main purpose in sharing these is not to convince people - though I suspect (and hope?) the convincing will happen as a by-product.
You're bringing up things that happened in 1998 or 2004 or whenever. But I'm trying to share, digest, re-experience (to some degree) and work in my book(s) on March 1994. The rest will come in its time - and when it does, if you've followed along, you'll know exactly how I got there and you'll have fewer questions when we get there than you would if I skipped to 1998 or 2004 now. You're skipping around like this in Ulysses, too, instead of trusting that there is reason in its order. But doing that can make it more difficult to get through (and even make sense of) the story.
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