Too tired to think of a perfect title

I feel I need to make myself work.  I've tried so hard to make myself work and get on with the work and get on with life, and sometimes I'm able but most often I'm not.  It's not just the mourning. I haven't really had time to mourn.  It's not just the headaches involving Mom's ex husband and the endless paperwork and looking out for my family's (and Mom's and my) interests with something new coming up every day before we could even take a breath.  I've gotten some non-Mom stuff done since her death.  I finished the revision of Kevin Reid's chapbook and got his copies to him (albeit too late for his event). I created Kindle editions of two of last year's CC Press titles.  I gave a reading last week in Delaware.  I made myself get back to posting a poem daily in the cyber litmag.  And I responded to a hundred submissions that had been sent to me between September and January.

[Of the submisssions I've made it through, I've only accepted one chapbook (because it was short, excellent and by a local writer).  I rejected dozens.  I set five aside for further review (I really like them and don't wanna reject them, especially after holding on to them for so long, but feel I can't accept any more manuscripts until I get caught up with the thirty books I'm already committed to publishing).  I found another publisher to take on one of the five.  I still need to respond to the other four.  And that's just the book submissions.  The rest of the September through mid-January batch were cyber litmag submissions. Of those, I chose three poems by William Merricle and one by Sy Roth to publish and sat aside the work of three other authors for further review (I like their poems but couldn't decide whether/which to accept).  Beyond all that, I still need to read chapbook and litmag submissions that were sent to me between mid-January and today.  I'll make up my mind that I just can't accept any more chapbooks till I get caught up.  But then I'll read them and find something I love and change my mind.  I really shouldn't have this problem because we've been closed to unsolicited chapbook submissions for some time.  But they keep coming and although I may not make the time to read them right away. I find I simply have to read them eventually.  How can I reject something I've never read? It could be the best thing I've ever seen, right? But my first obligation is to the authors I've already accepted.  Four of them have been waiting over a year and a half to see their books in print, and would've already been published if life (and death) hadn't intervened.  I need to be patient with myself.  But I also fear making others lose patience with me.]

With Mom gone, I've undergone an unprecedented paradigm shift.  In many ways, especially in the past year (but always), she has been my life, or at least a huge, irreplaceable part of it. I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I can't even find the pieces.  And where is there to move on to?  It's not just that I'm not getting publishing done. I'm not writing either.  I've finished one aimless poem and three "haiku" since December. I don't even feel like writing.  What can I say?  What good are my words?  There are more important things.  And it feels like the most important is gone.

But I will work again.  Later tonight or tomorrow or next week, my mood or energy level will shift and I'll accomplish something.  I will keep my commitments. And I will help produce some great books by some great authors.  But today, at least at this moment, I can't do it.  I don't want to do it. I'm not ready yet.  I need time.  And this is not good for my ego or self esteem or even (I imagine) to the authors I've committed to.  But it's the truth.  I'm sorry.

 
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Comments

  • 6/9/2013 12:20 PM Elena wrote:
    John dear, you don't have to explain. I know everyone understands what you have been going through for months now. Get out and do something for yourself, like ride your bike to the falls or lake and meditate a bit. I am one of the only friends who knew your Mom well and she loved you dearly. I know that. So for her sake take care of yourself now.
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  • 6/9/2013 3:30 PM Dianne wrote:
    You recognize you've had an unprecedented paradigm shift. This is a difficult time for you, absolutely. Please give yourself the time you need to heal and make sense of it all.
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  • 6/9/2013 4:54 PM Lucya wrote:
    I feel for you and understand.Since my mom passed a few months ago I feel like my anchor has been lost...I feel like an orphan since both my parents are now gone. I have been dealing with probate and my mother's side of the family has basically "ex-communicated" me from the family even though I was her Caretaker 24/7 for 4 years...which is fine because they were negative energy. I havent talked to my brother since the funeral...I am mourning an entire family and how things used to be. The connections are broken, things will never be the same. I feel adrift in the sea aimlessly going nowhere. Things don'r have the same meanings as they used to. I try to do the daily tasks for my family they deserve at least that. But it will take time and only you will know when you're ready. Life will have to be re-invented and that will take "baby steps" so take as much time as you need...hope you take the time you need and take care of your family and yourself and things will hopefully fall into place.
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  • 6/13/2013 10:33 AM Christina wrote:
    well.. for fear of sounding like a broken record.... and being long winded... you need to stop beating yourself up. you deserve time to cope..

    Your situation is different than mine, so I'm not trying to make any presumptions that it is, but just sharing a bit of observation from my own journey.
    Your mom's passing was a difficult and unexpected one, unlike my husband's which in many ways was expected and took some time mostly because I lost him in bits and pieces. Both passings were very painful, just different.

    I've been grieving losses as they came along, last fall and winter were particularly hard when his decline became more difficult and marked. It was all I could do to push myself through a day. I questioned decisions I had to make, and it was hard because he was there-but not. You haven't even had a chance to breath.. let alone grieve.

    I managed to get thru because I had friends looking out for me, checking in with me. And I'm grateful they did. I wouldn't be here writing this now if they hadn't been.

    So that's why some of us are a bit pesty and persistent. we care that's all. and recognize the signs.

    Grieving is hard... mostly because it doesn't come all at once or when you are ready or when it's convenient. It comes in waves... we think we are done and then find we are not... something else triggers it.. It's sort of like blood letting.. BUT it is needed and therapeutic... and it will find you even if you are busy. but it sounds like you are still numb.... you need to move to where you are not.. and that is the difficult phase.

    So my advice is to allow yourself to feel it. Even if there are no words for it now... eventually there will be. allow yourself to grieve.

    In the mean time seek out the comfort of friends...

    I think the hardest thing is that others people's lives move on.. and ours are frozen for a time .. we need to remember and talk about what/who we've lost and how it feels. But others aren't comfortable or would prefer not to...

    but facing it head on.. in doses.. is the only way I've found that seems to work. and it hurts like hell..
    healing takes time... the invisible scars take the longest to heal.
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